Monday, August 23, 2010

I'm really trying to look at everything from the bright side.

They gave me a laptop to do my work.
They gave me only 15 teaching hours so I could use the rest of the time for research.
They're sending me to local and international conferences.
I report directly to the CEO so I could pretty much get what I want (since I think she's putting high hopes on me)
They allow Muslims to go back at 4.30 during Ramadhan.
They're very tolerent on holidays and leaves and anything in between.

But I don't think any of that could compensate the fact that the most students I have per class is 5, and the lowest number at 1. I appreciate small group of students, but don't they think 1-5 is TOO small?

They said things will change once they move to the KL (which I don't anticipate much of going), and more students are expected to come. But again, the Moving itself is a problem to me, since I don't prefer being stuck in a jam, or paying more than I need every month on tolls, and gas and food. Especially when I know I could get other better place.

Asyraf's already applied for his housemanship, and he put Terengganu as his first choice (which is very likely for him to get). I told him if he got a place @ Sultanah Zahirah Hospital, then I'm going back to Terengganu to work. For good.

But for the time being, I told myself I should hang on, and wait till December to make my final decision.

Monday, August 16, 2010

A wallflower
a shrinking violet
with nothingness of the land
dissolving behind the sun

A wallflower
a shrinking violet
on a masquerade party
vanishing behind the deeds
of the noblemen

A wallflower
a shrinking violet
duelling against the tirade
never to win

A wallflower
a shrinking violet
the thorns dried
the flowers died
the wall stays
for a while.

Tuesday, August 03, 2010

Let's see what I think about my new workplace:

My acting HOD also happens to be the President/ CEO of the place.
The coordinator hasn't been around for days (including my fist 2), since she just had a baby few months back and is on MC (they said it's either she's sick, or the kid's sick).
So I haven't been assigned with any teaching hours.
So all I did was went to the place and in coma of boredom.
There were 13 tables, and 4 discussion rooms in the department, but as my 2 days are concerned, there were only 4 of us in that place.
And out of that 4, 2 already tendered their resignation because the campus is moving to the new campus in KL by year end and they don't want to move.
And I'm sitting in front of a geeky guy with mismatched tie and shirt (can't remember what he wore yesterday, but he wore checkered red shirt with yellow dot tie today), and very thick glasses.
And he talks to himself and loves making strange noises all the time.
(okay, me too haha, minus the strange noises)
And he SERIOUSLY remind me of a weird lecturer that I had back in IIU. Only the he-who-must-not-be-named lecturer wasn't even this strange. And that is seriously serious.
But at least he's kind of nice and chatty. A bit.
Oh. And they only have about 5 students per English class. Which. is. WEIRD.
The surau was at the other end of the building and I had to cross all departments to reach there.
And I think there are more staff than students in this place.
Because it looks kind of deserted, and a bit creepy (once you reached at the end corner where nobody's there)
Oh. They don't have punch card system.
Or any other system that record your attendance.
Which of course, is most welcome to me hehe.
The facilities are quite good, and I'll get my own laptop soon.
And the HOD/Prest/CEO wants me to present papers in MELTA and in Singapore in April (yeay).

Our department is a bit secluded, and since it's right on the opposite of the HOD/Prest/CEO's room, unsurprisingly I can hardly see any glimpse of people crossing.
The guards were all smiley, but NOT friendly. Tried politely making conversation by asking their names, but one of them pointedly told me that I could call him Security instead. Shocking, but true.
And I haven't seen any eyecandy yet. Do you know how important eye-candies are?!
Why can't they understand I need motivation to go to work?!

By the end of the 2nd day, I thought I could go crazy, but I gave myself few months (maybe less), before deciding either to move or to quit.

Sunday, August 01, 2010

There was pain in her eyes when she told me the aftermath story. How she got depressed. And how thin and frail she had become because of him. How he crushed her so bad that she struggled to stand up again. How he doomed her trust there was barely any left for someone else. How she tried so hard to hold on, and gluing the pieces of her wounded heart. And that bypass heart operation has turned her heart into steel. So strong that I was so scared for her.

I sat in silence, at first trying to offer my deepest sympathy, but no words went out. I didn't offer her my hands, nor any hugs to console her pain. We've known each other long enough to know that those gestures would only reward awkwardness among us.

The guilt will haunt him till he died. I said.

Oh yes it will. In fact, it already has. She said.

I smiled assuringly at her.

Never trust P** men. I joked. (trust me, P** is not even a swear word).

It was her turn to smile.

Yes. She said again. But there are still some that you can really trust... she trailed off, and I noticed her eyes gave a slight glance at me.

Like A. She said. You know how he is.

Really? I heard myself said, with a little disbelief in my tone. But I retreated as quickly as I said it, and I surprised myself by giving out a cuckle (more like a loud snort anyway), and my mind suddenly lost for words. Not numb, mind you. Just lost, as in surprised. For I haven't heard that name being mentioned for years. I hate when she breached into my buried territory like that. Okay, perhaps hate was just too strong for a word. I'll find a replacement word as soon as I can think of one.


I know she wanted me to ask. I know she would blurt everything she knows the moment I shoot my first question. And I also know that she waited for me to ask first. She never talks about him, unless I asked her to. I didn't anyway, as always. It's weird enough how all of our fates intertwined with each other. And I'm moving forward, not backwards.

She has her set of story, and I have mine. We both struggled, in our own way to move on after every obstacle that we've faced in our lives. Sometimes she stumbled, and I picked her up. And when I hit some trees, she picked the trees up. Heh. Kidding.

We've been friends long enough to understand each other without words.