Wednesday, September 30, 2009

It's tiring being too meticulous about little things.

I've submitted my final thesis to my supervisor this afternoon, though she's not in her room. As requested, I've submitted 2 sets of the dissertation (one original and one photocopied), a cd for digital copy (I put one in Words doc and another in pdf file), together with a consent form to be sign by Dr F, admitting that I'm really ready to submit the thesis.

It was only at the very last minute (after getting back the copied text from the shop), that I noticed the photocopied version of the thesis was not done nicely, and left most of my tables darker than the original, which makes it harder to read. I was of course, dissatisfied, but have to submit it to Dr F anyway.

I was so worried the not-so presentable dissertation would effect all the hardworks I've put for the past 2 years. So I've decided that I would print another set of dissertation early tomorrow morning at IPSIS and resubmit it to Dr F, in replacement for the ugly version.

I can't risk anything right now. I need the dissertation to be perfect, and I'm working very hard to make sure both examiners enjoy reading my work without having to worry about the formatting etc.

And guess what, it was during lunch with Kak Su and Kak Akmar that a thought strikes me - what's next? Job hunting? Drafting another proposal? Do another research?

I've been avoiding such question for the past few months, with the reason that I need to use my time to finish my thesis, instead of thinking about something else. But now when it's done, I'm not even sure of what I wanted to do.

Monday, September 28, 2009

Some people can be really annoying.

I've made my stand years ago, and everybody who knows me have been very respectful of who I am. And don't even try to cross the line.

Somebody crossed the line tonight. Which outraged me coz he tried to do that on Facebook. FACEBOOK for GOD's SAKE! Whoa. That's it man.

You said it once, I just deleted your post.
Try doing that again, I'll delete YOU.

It's my page. I can say what I want. You can't. I don't need such friend who tried to humiliate other friends. And to think that I have such a friend that would say such rude words is even humiliating.

Words are sharper that swords, ain't it?

Luckily I read it the moment he posted. Am just hoping nobody reads it after me. Consider that the last warning.

Sunday, September 20, 2009

I believe that now. :)

Selamat Hari Raya Aidilfitri 1430 Hijriah.

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Finally submitted the final first draft (that's what she called it haha) to Dr F early this morning. And I was brave enough to tell her that I aim for an A hahahahaha. Gila agaknya aku ni, dengan penuh confidentnya bagitau examiner no 1 supaya kasi A. Nasib baik aku cakap A. Kalau aku cakap A+ karang mau terbalik mata dia hahaha.

But that's what I told her. I told her that I put my whole heart in it, and I really think I deserved an A. I aimed very high when I started working on the thesis, and even after finishing it, I really, really hope the least I can get is an A.

Gila berani aku ni.

But she said my thesis does have an A potential :P So I'm praying hard that I would only have to do minor changes, instead of some major ones.

It still didn't register in my mind tho, that I'm done with the thesis. I worked on it till the very last minute. This morning when I woke up, when I should've thought of what to bring back home, and what kuihs to bake, instead my mind was jumbled up with "Suhaila & Ridwan (2006) -perceived improvement in writing using computer", "Vethamani (2006) - professional development" and Scaletta (2007) - personal blog as social blog". The crazy phrases kept on appearing, so I started browsing through the pages of the thesis for the last time and added the info. I had plan to submit the thesis earlier (chewah), but I kept on adding things, one after another, and I know even if I have to submit it next week, I would still review the text at the very last minute.

I know I could add more, but this is all I can afford to, given the limitations. Itu pun thesis aku campur appendices dah nak masuk 160 pages. Very, very thick. Felt like I'm doing the thesis for full research hahaha, not for a partial requirement.

I've put my very best on the thesis. Let's just praying that everything will go my way. Berkat buat bulan puasa ni.... InsyaAllah.

Sunday, September 13, 2009

And the caption for the photo reads:

Mia (Special Caption in Black & White) for 2009 Reunion. Not Attending 2008 Reunion Before

It almost made me cry.

Saturday, September 12, 2009

They missed me.

And me, them.

There's still awkwardness here and there, but we're trying very hard to bridge the gaps. And I'm glad that we met.

They became my heroes tonight, for accepting me in their lives again. For admitting that they missed me when I was gone before. For smiling back at me, when I smiled at them. For giving me the nervous laughs. The cheeky smiles. The naughty eyes.

It felt good. We talked about the good old days. We've gone our separate ways, but at the end, nothing much has changed. They still gave the same predictable answers to my questions. They still made the same stupid jokes. The same funny teases. The same everything.

And more than anything, I felt warm inside, when I finally realised that they still remember things about me. Things I almost forgot.

Thank you, for reminding me. Regardless of what becomes of us, I'm glad you shared a part of my life, and InsyaAllah will continue living in a part of my heart.
Finally it's time.

To face the past.

Today's the day.

I always know this day would arrive somehow. But when it really does, I still got nervous a bit. It's not that I don't know them, but time, like love, changed people. And I'm scared they've changed. And I'm even more scared that I'm the one who changed.

I've missed them terribly, and ever since we're in contact again, I always know one day, this day would come. And it finally did. Today.

I need to face my lost years. My past. My history. My mistakes.

And today is just one of those days where I have to be strong, for myself. For them. Because today is not the end, but it's the beginning of more days to come.

But I can't help but feeling a bit queasy inside.

Reunion scares me.

Wednesday, September 09, 2009

Crossing paths.

Coincidential? Fate? New chances?

Who knows. Wallahua'lam.

There have been lost of paths crossed in my life. The weirdest so far was of course, belongs to Eli, who had been weirdly walking on the parallel paths that I take, and the uniqueness of our friendship even stands tall on that base alone. Oh well, it's a huge coincidence that we've met when I was in Standard 4, we're not even close friends, but good enough to acknowledge each other. We went to the same secondary school, also by chance. Happened to be in the same class for 2 years, and weirdly decided to go to the same university for four years. But of course, we're in different courses and hardly met. Oh, ok. We met online at the same chatroom haha. And few years after we both graduated, we found ourselves working at the same place. Teaching the same students. And when I decided to further for Masters, he decided to further for Phd. In UK. The only difference was that I was there when he got married, but he's yet to repay the compliment. What I'm trying to say is, it's like we witnessed each other growing up, and yet, we're not even growing up together. If you understand what I mean. And just in case you're wondering, I'm a strong believer that parallelism doesn' mean you're going to end up together. Hahaha. (Okay, he reads this blog occasionally, but hopefully he woud skip this haha.)

That's just the intro. I was planning to talk about something else but it got sidetracked haha.

Okay. Let's continue.

I'm sure you know about this little reunion that we have on Facebook, and snooping on those who you thought were long gone and fully forgotten and later found out they have facebook and now they're someone who knows someone's famous or something? Yeah. It's been a while since I last tracked down some old friends. But I was thrilled for the past few days, because I finally found some of those that I really long to find, and missed terribly.

When I met them on Facebook, it's like all hell broke loose haha. We turned kids again, teasing each other, laughing at each other and on few occassions, even politely ignoring the bitter taste of memories we used to share.

And when I got the chance to chat with one of them today, I keep on laughing at every sentence he made. And we found out that after all these years (we haven't met for almost 7 years) looking for each other, he was actually very close to where I was. He's been staying close to my current workplace, and his wife was actually working at the same place I've been studying for the past two years! And I'm pretty sure we've crossed paths at the faculty before (since it's a very small faculty that everybody knows each other), but never realised about our existence. How sad was that, only knowing about it a week before I officially submitting my thesis? So I promised him that I'll look for her the moment I step into the faculty.

How I wish I could cross paths sooner than this. But at least I'm glad we finally reunited. There were of course, some awkward moments (hey, it's been years ok!), but in the end, everything would be okay, insyaAllah. :)

p/s: Why do I feel like this blog has slowly reaching those I don't intend to reach? Or was it just me?

Tuesday, September 08, 2009

I've never realised how much a 'hi' means, until today.

It made you younger by 10 years.
It warmed the heart.
It lifted your problems.
It made you feel loved.

I knew that I missed them, but not until today that I realised how much.

Thank you,

for making me feel that way.

Thank you,

for reminding me how much I meant to you.

And you to me.

Thank you,

from the deepest corner of my soul.

Monday, September 07, 2009

Found some old freaking memories tonight.

It made me depressed a bit.

Need to step up the game.

Think positive, Miyyah.

Think positive.


Or don't think.

But just don't run again.

Face them.

With pride.

And face high up.

And a big wide smile.

Not a sad one.

You're great.

You're cool.

You're brilliant.

And you're not as pathetic as you think.

Make them jealous.

Though people kept on guessing the right numbers now.

Kept on assuring yourself that everything's fine.

It's ok.

It's ok.

It's ok.

...But it's not.

Kepala agak jem.

I want donuts.

And someone searched for me on google.

And I think it must be someone I know.

Since the stats said most probably it's from KT.

Thank you, whoever you are.

For your thoughts.

On me.

But I still want donuts.

Mum, i need you.

Tuesday, September 01, 2009

I was a bit worried about my thesis. Well, I 've always been worried, ever since I started drafting them last year. At first I was worried that my proposal would be too complicated for others to understand. When they first heard of my proposal, they said it could be done, so I was glad. Then when I first forwarded my proposal to my supervisor, I was worried I didn't put in much, and she commented that I should add more. Then I was worried that my research was too ambitious, and I realised that it has become completely twisted that I needed more time to complete it. I could have finished it last semester, but I know I would never be satisfied if I ever submitted it last semester. I'm a perfectionist, and I need this crucial thesis to be perfect. As ambitios and twisted as it is, it's still mine, and I know I've put lots of hard work in it.

I was worried about everything. I was worried every time I submitted a draft to my supervisor. I was worried she would reject them. I was worried she got upset with what I wrote. I was worried she would say what I did was wrong. I was worried when she didn't say much. I was worried she no longer focused on my thesis. I was worried when she didn't get upset. I was worried when she spent 2 weeks checking my work. I was worried when she spent 2 days going through them. I was worried I did not reach her expectation. I was worried if she's not satisfied with me. I was worried she would be dissapointed. I hate to dissappoint people.

I didn't even sure with what I researched on. Sometimes I got confused whether I'm doing the right thing. I was worried whether my findings are enough. Whether my chapters were alright. I need constant reminders and daily supports to keep my feet on the ground. I was worried about eveything.

Every jaw dropped when I showed them my thesis. Too detailed, one said. That's a lot, said another. I don't even know how you manage to do that, said another. I got more worried.

I was worried of not getting an A. I was worried that I thought I deserved one. I was worried I might sound cocky. I was worried of being overconfident. I was worried that if I don't reach my own expectation, I would be frustrated. I was worried because I wanted the study to be a stepping stone. A huge stepping stone. I was worried because if I didn't achieve that I would be devastated. And a total wreck.

I'm still worried.

Or maybe I just think too much.