Saturday, February 28, 2009

Everything will be okay in the end.

If it's not okay,

it's not the end.

And I decided to fight, no matter how small the chances are. Because I believe this story will have a happy ending. I deserved one.

Because it's MY story. And my story always ends with happily ever after. THE END.

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

It's 10 past 5 am and I still couldn't sleep. It's the second night of being insomniac. Yesterday I slept right after Subuh, and woke up again at 8.30.

And I'm not sure whether I couldn't really sleep, or actually forced myself not to sleep. Every time I'm worried about something, the very first thing that I would always sacrificed is my sleep. I actually got scared of sleeping. Things couldn't be solved through sleeping. And to almost every single time I felt guilt.

They say I shouldn't do this often. I don't want to, but somehow I got addicted to it. God, I know this isn't good. And I always have emotional breakdown after those restles nights. It's frustrating sometimes.

And this is the second time in 2 months I got depressed. Seriously.

For now, i just want to sleep. Even ifof it's only for seconds

I need that, for mind's sake.

Would you, help me sleep?

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Please stop giving me misscalls. Or childish smses.

Because I'll never pick up the calls, or reply to any of the smses from peple I'm not familiar of. So stop doing whatever you're trying to do. Ok, the thought of maybe my number was written in any gents' toilet or porn websites scares me abit, but since I've never been into any of the toilets (ok, maybe once, in iiu but it didnt count haha) or visit any porn websites, I simply assume that those calls were simply made by some teenage kids, trying to test the water haha. A very childish way of mengorat haha.

It's funny though.

Who cares anyway, as long as they'd stop giving me wake up calls at 1 am. Wake up call subuh kan lagi bagus. Dapat juga pahala.

Monday, February 09, 2009

This is Adik. And he has a very garau voice for a 3-year-old kid. And spotting a tomok hairdo ha ha.

Saturday, February 07, 2009

I just cut my hair. In layers. And I think it's cool.

Owh. It didn't come out right.

Let me rephrase the statements.

I just cut my OWN hair. IN LAYERS. With bangs as well.

And I think it came out REALLY cool ha ha ha.

(dan aku guna gunting potong kain ha ha ha).

Well, can't sacrifice my craft scissors kan.

I saw few people doing it on youtube so I decided to do similar experiment with my hair.

And it works!

And my head felt 50% lighter than it used to be.

Should do this more often.

Friday, February 06, 2009

Alhamdulillah.

Found a good soul for my guinea pig hehe. He's willing to be tested for my pilot study, and will interview him after class today (Friday). Have already collected 10 entries from his blog, and will spend the weekend analysing the data. InsyaAllah, hopefully I would be able to forward the complete version of the pilot study to Dr F before end of the week.

Am head-hunting for 4 more souls, and 40 more entries. Need to finish everything before month end. For once, I think I'm confident enough.

(You go, girl).

Reminder: Need to call Hilmi for the inter rater thingy.

Thursday, February 05, 2009

Tadaaaa....

No it's not that I have all the time in the world.

It's just that I need something cheerful. And colourful. And personal. :)

Like the new wallpaper?

Wednesday, February 04, 2009

I think neutron bombs are more predictable than her moods.

Met my supervisor tonight after class. She called and left an sms at 2.30pm, but only realised the message at 4.30pm (me being me). She just wrote "I've read yr work." and that's it. Been trying very hard to read between the lines, and guessing whether it's a good news or a bad one, but to no avail. Tried to give her a call back but she didn't pick up the phone. Sent her an sms asking whether she's available before class (she has class at 6), but later she replied and asked me to see her after class at 8 instead. Then I met her on my way to my class, and she made a scary remark on how she's rushing to class (in a way saying she has no time to entertain me). Scary ok.

So I went to class as usual, but coudn't even concentrate on what the presenter or the lecturer's saying coz I was too worried of what she would say. Yes, it's very important to me as what she's going to say would determine whether I could proceed, or redo everything (which will burn every dream that I have - will tell you later about it).

After Maghrib, went to her room but she shooed me away and ask me to return after few minutes. Best kan? No wonder students are v.e.r.y scared of meeting her heh. Then after like hours waiting outside, she called me in.

Dan gua rasa nak pengsan.

But the moment she flipped to the very first page of the draft and uttered the first sentence, I knew that everything would be okay.

Told you neutron bombs are more predictable than her moods. But as long as she's efficient in her works, it's fine by me. Heh.

Btw, I should casually mention that she's also the head of the programme cum one of the fastest climbing lecturer ever. She got her Phd at the age 32, and made in 2 years. And got pregnant and gave birth in between. And she's not even 40 yet, and she already applied for Assoc. Professorship. And that she finished reading my 3 chapters 1 1/2 hours after I gave her (but only forward them to me a week after) whereby others took 2-3 weeks.

Scary, isn't it? And I meant it in a good way.

Monday, February 02, 2009

7 is a very keramat number.

There were only 7 dwarfs in Snow White. Mahsuri was cursed for 7 generations. You can only use 7 flowers for any mandi bunga. At Man Utd, 7 is a special number that only special players could wear it on their back. 7 is also the start of my car plate number.

And this entry marks my 7th year of blogging. And this is officially my 715th blog entry (if this is a book, can u imagine that I've written 715 pages?!) And yes, this is a very special entry.

Someone once asked on how I can write my life so easily and made it public. Yes, you need guts to be able to write a personal blog. In my very first blog entry I wrote:

To love is to risk not being loved in return.
To hope is to risk pain.
To try is to risk failure,
but risk must be taken,
because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing.

In my first entry I told the world how paranoid I was about being found out. How this blog was supposed to be a therapy so that I could change myself, and learn how to trust people. After 7 years, I can say that it not really that easy. Every single thing that I wrote here is risky. What it people found out? What if they know I've been talking behind their back? What if they're upset of what I wrote? Alhamdulillah, I've never experienced any bad feedback on what I've written so far. Part of it may be due to the fact that when I'm upset about something, or someone, I don't name people. As much as I don't like my privacy being invaded, so do other people kan.

Writing about own life is not that easy either. Being a normal human being, I might be exaggerating in some parts of my life, and I believe everyone else does too. Kan? People naturally want to look good in front of everyone else, plus when you write your story, the element of creative writing comes in, and you tend to write your (life) story as if it comes from a story book. Kan? Ok. That notion is yet to be proven by reseach, and I do intend to do one, later hehe.

When I first started blogging, I was a bit paranoid, and worried of the consequences that I have to face from my writing. If you read them, you'll notice that most of my early entries were more on writings on daily activities - what I did and why I did it, instead of involving my inner self. In other words, I was aware that there were people reading my blog (because I promote it at few places), and the awareness had made me become curious, and conscious about what I wrote. I was worried about my language, my style of writing, the way I write, what I write. I was worried about everything that I limit myself to what I was writing. I was afraid of putting my real self online, because of I was afraid of being found out. I was scared that people would find out who I was talking about. I was too worried of what people would think, thus it affects on what I wrote, in those early days.

But then, I started to feel comfortable towards blogging. Slowly I started to include little details about myself. I started writing about what I really feel. And after few years of blogging, I stopped promoting my blog and pulled out the most important connection to my readers- the comment section. The blog statistics shows a huge drop in the number of visitors. Contradict to what others may feel, I was content about it, because then I knew that I want to write without caring so much about others' feedback. Not that I don't welcome one. :) Then the writing flow became more natural, and for once I could pretend as if no one was reading my blog, because no one was commenting. Then I noticed that I had a small number of recurrent visitors, who kept on clicking, and reading my thoughts. Even when I stopped the comment section. Even when I stopped writing comments on others' blog (and became another silent reader). I realised that I wanted to write, but I only want people who really care about me reading my blog. Yes, I was selfish. I still am. I don't want to write for people who came just with the intention of leaving their mark on my comment section and making me feel guilty and visit their blog in return. That, wasn't part of why I blog here (at @Kertas, yes). All I can say is that people blog for different reasons, and with different aims. Some aim to be famous, collect friends, become controversial, sell things, share hobbies etc. But I blog simply because I need a place to channel out my thoughts. So I won't keep them inside me. Which is why I stopped promoting my blog. Which is why, until now, only a few who are close to me know the existence of this blog. This is the thrill of having a blog as an open secret. I won't tell about it, but if you found me, then I welcome you with an open heart. Because it is so easy to find me, and those who thought of me are the ones who would google my name. And I appreciate that.

That is why, this blog is written for you, a selected few who keep on coming, and reading, despite my ignorance over your existance. No, the truth is, I'm not ignorant, I care about you. I wrote for you. I made my writing so personal as if I am writing to you. For you. And only you. And YOU, are the reason I survive all these years. You, my silent readers. There used to be times when you came and visit everyday, knowing how I would put at least a word for you, every single day. There were times when you came once a week, or once a month, or even once in a few months. Or whenever you think of me. I don't mind, really. I don't really mind how frequently you come and visit me. I only care when you care. I love the feeling just by knowing someone read what I wrote. Even when they bumped into my blog searching for "berapa tinggi ally iskandar" or "rumah sewa di klang". It doesn't matter, as long as I know that they read haha. And I couldn't even describe the feeling when checking the stat counter and noticed that somehow, somebody out there thought of me that day and purposedly googled my name, or my blog. It warms my heart. It is always a good feeling kan when you know somebody is thinking of you, and you would try very hard to think of them too, no matter who they are.

I told you before, and I'll tell you again: I'm very selfish.

I don't allow comments, but it lifts me up when people put extra effort to reach me - which some surprisingly did, and left footprints in my heart. This humble blog of mind is not a famous one, nor will it ever be, so when people took the efford to find me, I am always grateful to them. Because not many would do haha.

Once a favourite lecturer from my matric years found me, and emailed me when I was in the core of problems, giving her warmest greetings to ease my burdens. And a so-called friend who refused to tell his name left a mark and claimed to be my secret admirer from uni (I must be so self-absorbed in myself that I didn't realised a thing). I once received a job offer and a marriage proposal (but had softly rejected both haha). The marriage proposal was a bit weird ye, but I do appreciate the serious offer to find me a bf. It showed that people do care hahahaha. And there used to be a stranger who found me on YM (and still on my friends' list), and confessed that he read my blog and remembered everything that I wrote. It felt weird chatting with someone who knew a lot about me, and yet, a stranger to me. And yet, it still warms the heart. It doesn't matter if he doesn't read anymore, or doesn't remember anymore, but the fact that he once did, counts a lot.

I once asked a reader who turned friend (and customer haha), how does she see me in my blog, and here is her answer (in her exact YM words):

"Hurm, some of what you wrote in the blog have similarities in my own life..so maybe thats why i feel more closer or easy to relate in yours. Honestly, i think ur lonely but yet your lucky coz u have a lot around u who cares bout u..and ur damn creative..writing and now..art. Still..u have ur own good qualitys so x kesahlah..nobody perfect. personally i dont know u la so xleh comment bnyk. All in all...i find u mysterious."

Truly, it doesn't matter what you think about me but my point is this: your silent readings are the one that keep this blog alive for 7 years, and I'm grateful to that, Alhamdulillah. And thank you (for keeping me sane, too).