Thursday, January 29, 2009

I have a very imaginative mind. I had an invisible boyfriend at 16 not at 6. I talk to myself still, creating stories at the back of my mind, sometimes not even noticing people noticing me. Sometimes I get weird look from people, as I smiled and cuckled while walking alone.

I have lots of dreams. Imaginations. Stories to tell. Thoughts to ponder.

Sometimes I put myself in other people’s shoes, and pretend that I was them. Sometimes I went back into time, trying to mend my past life, and crafting new stories of what could have happened if I had taken different paths. Sometimes I dreamt of the future, of what will happened to me tomorrow, the next month, the next few years, even the next ten years. And each dream, each story and each thought had felt so real.

I dreamt of my mom, and wished how the ending would be different if I chose to quit my job sooner than I did.

I thought of running away, living far away from everyone, got married in a nowhere land and never to return.

I imagined the different paths I would have taken should I concentrate more on my linguistics studies.

I told a story to my great-great grandchildren on how I took my revenge on people I used to love.

I dreamt of the day when I would proudly tell him that he meant nothing to me and that I found someone who loves me for who I am.

I thought of falling in love with a blue-eyed man.

I dreamt that I was depressed and being locked away in Tampoi.

I imagined myself becoming a reputable, respectful woman, who always comes out on top of everybody.

I dreamt of being a ruthless woman, with a frozen heart.

I dreamt that I had twins. Who would feel what I feel. Who would cry when I cry.

I thought of living alone, and dying alone.

I thought of the day I became famous.

I thought of the day I died.

I dreamt of having a superpower that allowed me to read people’s mind. Or became invisible.

I thought about lots of things. But the facts remain. The past stays. The future is still in question marks. The present is the one I live in.

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

i feel like killing myself. So nobody would be hurt anymore.

i want to give up. i want to let go of everything. i dont want to fight anymore.

no matter what I do or what i say

i will always be

angkuh. bodoh. kurang ajar. angkuh. bodoh. kurang ajar. angkuh. bodoh. kurang ajar. angkuh. bodoh. kurang ajar. angkuh. bodoh. kurang ajar. angkuh. bodoh. kurang ajar. angkuh. bodoh. kurang ajar. angkuh. bodoh. kurang ajar. angkuh. bodoh. kurang ajar. angkuh. bodoh. kurang ajar. angkuh. bodoh. kurang ajar. angkuh. bodoh. kurang ajar. angkuh. bodoh. kurang ajar. angkuh. bodoh. kurang ajar. angkuh. bodoh. kurang ajar. angkuh. bodoh. kurang ajar.
angkuh. bodoh. kurang ajar. angkuh. bodoh. kurang ajar. angkuh. bodoh. kurang ajar. angkuh. bodoh. kurang ajar. ANGKUH. BODOH. KURANG AJAR.

i just want to cry and cry and cry and cry and cry and cry and cry and cry and cry and cry and cry and cry and cry and cry and cry and cry and cry and cry and cry and cry and cry and cry and cry and cry and cry and cry and cry and cry and cry and cry and cry and cry and cry

I feel like falling, crashing to the ground with my head first. Crying.
Progress report: Day 20th (January)

Am done on chapter One, now struggling with Chapter Two (70% done). Still in doubt whether I can finish on time, and the pressure starts coming in.

Have very unstable hormones, so I'm emotionally unstable as well. Past few weeks have been stressful, and the closer I am toward February, the more I start doubting myself.

I feel mentally weak now
I broke down and cried for the 3rd time yesterday
I listened to Opera songs I don't even understand
I don't talk to people anymore
I sleep with books on one side of the bed, and laptop on the other side.
It's 16 past 3 right now and I haven't taken my bath, or breakfast, or lunch or even a glass of water.

All for the fear and guilt and stress of not being able to finish on time. Yes, am putting pressure on myself. Yes, I want this so badly that I'm so close of going crazy because of it. And Yes, talking to someone doesn't help.

I need this. I need this to prove to everyone. I need this.

And now I need to cry again. Oh God! Help!

Thursday, January 15, 2009

miyyah : kak yong
miyyah : bzke
yong : bz sket je.. bakpe?
miyyah : mintok tulong
miyyah : tp balik karg ah
yong : bakpe?
miyyah : sy baru lepas tekak dngn ky
miyyah : dia marah2
yong : bakpe?
miyyah : dia ckp lain, sy dengar lain
miyyah : bende kecik je
yong : psl apa?
miyyah : dia tanya sy beri makan ikan ke apa ntah
miyyah : sy dgr dia tanya ada sape2 beri makan ikan x lagi hari ke
miyyah : so sy jwb x tahu
miyyah : dia marah2
miyyah : mula2 ok gi
yong : bakpe pulok dia yang nak marah marah nya?
miyyah : pastu dia bising ckp "jangan bodoh2kan pembantu"
miyyah : sy try explain sy salah dengar, sebab tu sy jwb gitu
miyyah : dia x paham
yong : apsal yang dia tu sensitif sgt??
miyyah : dia dok ulang2 ayat tu.. sakit hati aa gak
miyyah : sy jwb sy xdok niat pun nok ckp gitu
miyyah : then sy naik atas
miyyah : then masa adik nangis (tido atas)
miyyah : nak turun bwah she said"mari dik, makan dengan pembantu bodoh"
miyyah : sy pun x paham
miyyah : try explain dia x leh terima.. mcm x paham apa sy ckpt
yong : u kata apa yang dia terasa sgt tu? sblm ni ada mcm tu ke?
miyyah : saya punya exact word "tak tahu." tu je
yong : itu pun nak marah? apa ke hal dia tu?
miyyah : mungkin dia salah paham ke apa x tau ah
miyyah : as if mcm sy rendah2kan dia ke apa ke
miyyah : sy siap bgtau "saya salah dengar. sebb tu sy jwab camtu. klau sy dengar betul, takkan sy jwb camtu"
miyyah : pun dia x paham
yong : ukat ne skg ni?
miyyah : kat atas
miyyah : kejap gi kuar nak gi kelas
yong : cuba tanya dia.. apa yang dia tak puas hati sgt tu? takkan lah benda tu pun nak bising2
miyyah : dia tgh marah malas nk ckp
miyyah : try explain pun x paham
yong : so u nak suh i buat apa?
miyyah : tu nk mintak tolong awak balik krg ckp ngan dia yng saya salah dengar
miyyah : sy ckp dia x paham, cuba u ckp plak kot2 dia paham
yong : ok.. apa lagi yang u ckp ngan dia tadi...
yong : ce cite step by step...
yong : kot nnt i salah paham plok...
miyyah : tadi ok je
miyyah : sy tgh guna laptop then dia tanya
miyyah : "dik miah, dh bagi makan ikan?"
miyyah : saya jawab "tak tahu". sebb sy dengar "dik miah, hr ni dh ada org bagi makan ikan?"
miyyah : kalo sy dengar betul xkan sy jwb cmtu
miyyah : then dia bising.. "org tanya dia jwb tak tau"
miyyah : ingatkan xdok mende
miyyah : pastu dia bising2 ckp jgan cuba bodoh2kan pembantu.. dah keje bertahun2 ke ap dia bebel
miyyah : sy geram aah
yong : pastu
miyyah : sy ckp la sy salah dengar. saya dengar lain sbb tu sy jwb lain. kalo saya dengar soalan dia betul2 memang la sy x jawab camtu
miyyah : dia x paham rasanya sebab sy try bgtau 2-3 kali dia x paham
miyyah : dia dok ulang ayat jgn bdoh2 tu gak
miyyah : sy ckp sy xdok niat pun nk kata gitu. mak sy pun x ajar sy ckp kurang ajar ngan org
miyyah : pastu sy naik atas
miyyah : then adik yg tido kat atas nangis
miyyah : then dia naik kat tangga panggil adik
miyyah : jom adik, turun bawah makan dengan pembantu bodoh
miyyah : sy malas nk gaduh gi so ni kat dlm bilik
miyyah : bende kecik sangat je
miyyah : x tau camne jadi besar sampai nk marah2
yong : apa yang dia tak puas hati smpai nak marah marah benda kecik tu?
miyyah : x tau
miyyah : pg tadi mcm ok je
miyyah : kecik bg kita besar bg dia kot
miyyah : awk tlg ckp slow2 yg saya salah dengar. tu je kisahnye.
yong : o ok..
miyyah : xyah ah tegur2 dia ke apa
miyyah : kang dia kata sy bwk mulut plakss
miyyah : krg sejuk dh sket kot
yong : ermm.... ke nak tgu u balik baru ckp? ke camne?
kak yong : or nak suh i ckp dulu?
miyyah : ikut ah
yong : u rasa?
miyyah : sbb sy rasa mende ni kecik je
miyyah : kang dia ingat sy besar2kan plok
miyyah : awk je la ckp
yong : o ok
miyyah : x tau ah kot tone sy salah ke apa dia terasa ke
miyyah : ckp je la apa2
miyyah : supaya dia paham
miyyah : yang sy salah dengar.
miyyah : bukan nak bodohkan org
miyyah : kang tunggu sy balik jadi gaduh skali gi plaks susah
yong : ok

I intentionally missed out another important detail - That what she said hurt so much that I cried so hard that my body was trembling.

What else does this week has in store for me?

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

What's in the past, should remain in the past. There's no point of asking the "What If" question because when the reality sank in, What If should never exist in the first place. For "we" was a history. And it should remain in the history book. There's no point of looking back into time, longing for what we've lost along the way.

We've chosen this path to take. Separately. And I respect you for that. And thank you, for respecting me, and my feelings.

I wish there would be one day when we could sit together and laugh about it. 

One. fine. day.