Thursday, October 30, 2008

Just arrived home from Skudai, Johor.

The trip was all but minus the fun. I was bored to the core, so I ended up doing my assignment instead of listening. I've only listened to the first part of the course, in which I know I'd be asked for - the technical part. The rest of the time was purely spent chatting, email-checking and doing assignment. Who cares what others think. I was there to monitor, and monitor I did.

At 2 am I'm still awake, struggling to finish my last assignment that's due today. The trip back was no fun at all (except the short stint at Chudah's place), the bus didn't go directly to Shah Alam, instead it took a turn to Pudu first before moving to Shah Alam. I was sooooooooooo CUAK coz I don't want to spend a second in Pudu.

And the worst part is, once I reached Shah Alam, and Kak Yong & Abang Amad were already awaited, we went to my car which I parked at flat parking lot. Guess what? I CANNOT START MY CAR AS THE BATTERY WAS DEAD. I know I didn't switch on the light coz that's the first thing I checked once I noticed I cannot use my car remote and had to open manually instead. It's either the bengong alarm or the bengong battery. We just changed the battery last June and it's going to be sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo upsetting if I have to change the battery once more! Aku bukan keje gaji masuk bulan-bulan!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And to think I've promised Dr P to come to work early tomorrow (today)... and due date for my assignment is also today... URRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!

God. I just remembered that I forgot to close the car boot properly.

This is not going to be a good day.

Monday, October 27, 2008

You could say I love being a balaci.

It all started wayyy back in IIU, when I got myself into Steadfast, and I had managed to turn my degree into B. Hsc. in Steadfast instead of BENL. I sacrificed a lot being in the society - time, money, classes, hearts, etc, just to make sure that everything runs perfectly. I love running around being the committees of certain programmes, or being the facilitator for the school kids. I blabbered on last-minute works, but I still did them anyway. Back then, me and Syaer (the belangkas) were the Steadfast balacies, always ready to be slaughtered sacrificied when some other don't even bother. To put it in nicer words, we were more than willing to "die" for the society.

I thought the time had passed when I moved into the working world. When I went back to Terengganu, I purposedly ignored any college activities, for the fear of having to be balaci again haha. And I thought the success has managed to distance myself from the balaci work ever again.

But then, when I joined the grad school, it's dejavu all over again. I have no idea why Dr F first put me as the top post for the Melbourne trip (she said because I study full time - but there are still few others who're on the same status), and from then on, it dragged me into the campus world all over again. When I came back from Melbourne, I was offered for an RA job with one of the lecturers, and in the meantime, doing other works with some other lecturers. They dragged me to the conference and last thing I know, I've put myself in another mess again. One of the lecturers called for my help (on my IT skills) and I couldn't say no. And here I am, 2 days before the final day of assignment submission, a week before my thesis proposal submission, and a week before my proposed paper submission. I am freaking out as I have to go to Johor tomorrow. And Perak next week. Just because I've agreed to help.

A balaci to the core, I suppose? The only difference is that I get paid for it, even if it's not that much.

Sunday, October 26, 2008

I have a confession to make.

I haven't been in touch with my ex-Klang friends eversince I left them in 2005. My fault, really. There were too many things going on back then that to one extent, I totally give up and decided to shut myself from the world. And from them. They looked for me everywhere, and I kept quiet still. I hardly got news about them, and them, me. Until last year, suddenly I felt the urge, the rindus and the misses to know what happened to them, but I was too afraid they would be very upset of me shutting them from my life. One thing leads to another, and one day, one of them found me. And then I know I could never hide anymore. So I decided to come out.

Forgiveness is something really hard to say, and it was painful for me to admit that. It took me ages to email a few that I owe the apologies to, and Alhamdulillah, they replied with such positive note. There's no point of regretting now, even though I know how much I've missed them, and how I wish I could turn back the time. If you're a regular reader of this blog, you'd have notice how close we were back in Klang, and you probably wondered why I didn't talk about them for quite a while. Well, I wondered too.

I faced my fears, and confront each and every one of them. Okay, perhaps, there're still a few I need to talk to, but I still need time to grasp to the new 'me'. And I made a huge move today, by deciding to agree to an open house invitation by one of them, knowing that most of them would be there. Being me, I nearly backed out again, but finally decided that I need to do this.

So there I was, meeting some familiar faces I once wish I could delete forever. Some closest ones have gone back, but there were a few who're still there, enough to exchange stories of the gone years. It was then I realised how much time had passed us by, and how people changed over the years. I changed. They changed. Some moved forward. Some backwards. Some remained the same. There were a few couples who looked so good together back then eventually broke up, leaving me puzzled of the reasons why, some eventually got married, some still clinging to the same man, some got enganged, and some others are still working at the same place.

I regret for not being able to be there when these things happened. I wish I could be there when the break ups happened, so I could offer my shoulder for them to cry on. I wish I could be there when they celebrate their marriages; newborn babies; engagements etc, and I would want to be happy for them. But I could not turn back time, so I have to live with the past that I wasn't so sure of.

I just hope that it isn't too late for them to accept me into their life again.

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

hahahahaa.. now I know how I wrote the way I wrote at 3 in the morning.

*Sigh* Where did the waiters come from?

Well, the real reasons behind the mumbling thought was that I went to a conference organised by the school at one of the hotels in Shah Alam for the past 2 days. I was one of the committes, so I don't have to pay to attend the conference. I've got to listen to some interesting presentations, and met some great people. The two-day conference was tiring, even though it's worth it.

Well, early this month *hint*, I made a new resolution, and planning a new experiement. I plan to know at least 5 new people (a.k.a strangers) every week, just to polish my social skills (need that if I plan to go for more conferences).

So in my case, waiters always happened to be my warriors. (Perhaps they were always perplexed by the way I eat and the way I look hahaha)
Hotel waiters are some of the most amazing people I've ever met. I've learned a long time ago that all you need to do is smile and say a simple thank you, and you'll be amazed of what they would do for you.

Once when I was involved with a workshop organised at a hotel in Sepang, I don't even realised how much impact had I made from the smiles and the thank yous on a waiter until he came and approached me on my 2nd day there (see, it can take less than a day for a waiter to like you), and asked politely on whether I was ok, just because he saw me eating fruits instead of rice during dinner time. It came as a very nice surprise as the workshop itself consisted of around 200 people not inclusive of normal hotel guests, and out of those hundreds of people, he seemed to notice me. Later I was aware that my plates were always cleaned from the table everytime I stand up to get something else. I noticed how I always got a set of new fork and spoon everytime I came back with a new plate in hand (and the rest of my friends still had to use the same spoon hahah). Then he became very friendly to the extend I don't even have to queue up to get my drinks, as he would be the one loyally refilling the drinks for me hehe. And I swore I saw his face lightened up everytime he saw me entering the dining area and he always found his way to find avalaible seats for me, no matter how packed the place was.

And last night, the smiles and the thank yous proved their charms again. I scooped the served tom yam soups for everyone (instead of waiting for the waiter to do that) , and noticed that he smiled while I was doing that. Later I found that my drinks were always re-filled (especially Chinese tea) on time, and the waiter was very warm towards our table. And this morning when I came in, he smiled broadly from afar. And stealing glances at me whenever I wasn't looking. And it made my day, again, hahahaha.

Thus, my point it, you'll never know how much your small gestures will lead you. As in my case, it has proved wonderfully that waiters are humans too, and as humans, they have feelings too. All you have to do is by being nice to them :)

Friday, October 10, 2008

I haven't been able to update as I was busy with assignments to submit this week. I've done all the assignments for this week, so only now I manage to find the time to update here (even though I check my email everyday).

Let's start on Raya. Or should it be about my 30th birthday. Or both. Well, let's put it this way. I'm not going to detail out what happened the last raya/ birthday, but I am simply going to summarise this:

LESSONS LEARNED THIS RAYA (IN CONJUNCTION OF MY 30TH BIRTHDAY On 3RD OF OCTOBER 2008)

First Lesson
The older you are, the less birthday message you will get. Or should I rephrase it this way: The older you are, the less friends you will have. Frankly, I received calls and wishes from family members (a bit more in numbers this year as my uncle's open house coincided with my birthday). However, sadly to note that I only received 4 sms wishes from the ones I considered as friends (which include an sms from an online buddy I've never met who's now in Cork *hint* and a belated wish a day after), in which clearly shows how many true friends I have. Sometimes it is upsetting, when you're the one who always remember everyone else's birthday, but people hardly remember yours (Even when I announced on Facebook - see it for yourself how many wished anyway). I didn't expect much though - they weren't even there during my lowest low, so what's a birthday to them? So don't blame me if I purposely being forgetful about anything.

Second Lesson
Cooking is not necessarily a bad thing (as long as I have a recipe book with me). Cooking was never my forte - even though baking is. I'm proud to say I can bake well (even not to perfection), I can make cookies, I used to bake muffins on regular basis, and name me any type of dessert, then I would love to give it a go. Dengan bongkak hatinya aku berkata "I'm famous for that anyway". But when it comes to cooking main dish (lauk pauk and stuff), I FREAKED OUT. TotheextendthatIwouldratherservemyfuturehubbywithdesserts247insteadoflaukpauk. My dish has never turned out well, thanks to my numb tastebud. I have to rely on recipe book if someone ask me to cook but even then, it didn't turn out very well. So on my 30th birthday, I decided to cook something different. I actually fried/baked (both) makaroni bakar for the whole family. Twice. Hehe. Was soooo proud of myself and finally, the food really tasted like.. FOOD! And the best part, I cooked kueh tiaw goreng the next day (was so excited about it) - all two packs of them, and actually served them for Raya visitors. Now that's what I called amazing! Ok, wa tipu sket aa coz I use perencah mee goreng - but don't tell dad coz he really thought I cooked them myself hahahahahaha).

Third Lesson
Desperado is never a good thing. I learned that even though I'm 30 and single, I don't want to end up with the first guy I see on street, and marry him for the sake of reaching 30 and not yet married. A friend is planning to get married to a guy she met less than 3 months, with not so strong job background. They are supposed to get married next year but the guy wanted to push forward to end of the year even though the girl's famiy was not too keen on it. When I asked her why can't she wait until middle of next year as end of the year would be too rushed, she answered, "I'm turning 30 next year." I wanted to say "What's wrong of getting married at 30 years of age? You're engaged for God's sake!" but opted for silence instead. There are people out there who are so scared of getting married after 30, and she is simply one of them. Hands down.

Fourth Lesson
Puppy love is sweet. I've talked about Encik M once. What I haven't told you is that he got married sometime last year. Early June to be exact, coz I was mourning for my arwah mak when I heard about the news). Well, I've just met him, and his wife last raya. His wife was not so talkative anyway (haha) and I'm soo trying to boost up my morale by claiming that I'm far more beautiful than his wife (haha gila punya keji), but I guess, physical appearance was never a question in choosing your life partner, and I respect him for that. Well, the wife looks nice, and polite and soft - unlike me hahaha. Owh, the best part is - not sure I've told you before or not but I've never talked to him before kan and I was too penakut to approach him (yes, that's the real me), but when I met him with his wife, I suddenly had the courage to smile and nod, acknowledging our meet. And he smiled back. But not his wife la (hahahah- kesian wife dia tak tau pape kena kutuk ;p). Aku nak tegur but then the wife (again) was not so friendly so.. next time je la hahahah. Well my point is, I think there's something wrong with me and married men (be scared people!). I think I'm more at ease if I knew the guy (or any other guy) is married because I know the possibility of ending up with him is then zero %, but was nervous reck if I found out any of the guys I've met is unmarried, and I have the tendency to run away. No reason for that. What's wrong with me?!


Fifth Lesson
Age is not just a number. For the first time, I'm tired of pretending I'm 18 anymore haha. For the first time, I felt old. I guess 30 is not a number everyone liked to be associated with anyway. It's like beginning a new (old) phase of life. Well, I believe my lifeline stucked in 20s still, so that's why I got a bit depressed on the third day of raya hhaha. And I swore I felt pain on my sendis and eyes, and head and stomach etc. I tried psyching myself that it's just a psychological thingy, and I should remain positive, but urgh.. I failed. Well, now I've accepted the fact that I'm 30, I should enjoy my 30th year of living, and be proud that God still has the ehsan to prolong my life exceeding 30 years old. I pray for another beatiful phase coming, and be proud of who I am.


Sixth Lesson
When there's a will, there's a way. Remember my last semester's assignment? The one I was supposed to work on so that it would have to chance to be published? Well, the bad news is, I haven't even started on it (me- busy, the prof - super duper busy), but InsyaAllah we're planning to sit together afterwards and start working on it. Need to at least finalise the abstract before November 16th, as the good news is, she plans to push the paper forward for an international proceeding (I'm sooo excited to tell about it, but it's not confirmed yet so I need to shut up hehe). All I can say is, if this is going to happen (INSYAALLAH), it would be a stepping stone of more to come.

The truth is, I am trying to convince myself that turning 30 is absolutely not a bad thing. Age gracefully, as they say. Happy Birthday to me.